It has been almost ONE YEAR since I published a blog post. ONE YEAR! “What the hell, McGuire,” you say, none too pleased. “From what does this act of neglect come? To whom can we extend our heartfelt thanks for your abandonment in our time of hanger?”
No excuses, my friends. For there is none good enough to justify my Hangry Chicks desertion. In lieu of excuses, I’m going to offer 1) an apology, 2) atonement and 3) exciting news warranting the invention of an original Hangry Chicks recipe. Not only will this recipe help control your hanger, but it also will make you feel pretty damn good, what with its antioxidants, vitamins, nutrients and penile adornment.
2) As penance for my neglect, I am recommitting – right here, right now – to a minimum of one blog post per month.
3) The news. THE NEWS! If you haven’t heard the INCREDIBLE news already via Facebook or Twitter, let me lay it out for you with an abundance of excitement and admiration! But wait. I can’t share the news until you have a beverage – a specific drink – in your hand. So let’s do this.
- Bottle of red wine (I recommend drinking a generous glass of the wine before using it to ensure quality of flavor)
- Bunch of ice
- 3 cups lemon-lime seltzer water
- 1 mango (the riper, the sweeter, the better)
- 3 T. of fresh mint
- ½ pink grapefruit (or 1 orange)
- 1 lime
- Fist full of cherries
- Waterproof Band-aids
- A bowl or a pitcher
First things first. We need to figure out which vessel will hold your Kid Friendly* Sangria. If you’re a card-carrying member of Corporate America, listen to NPR on your two-hour commute to work, and go to bed at 9:30 PM on Friday and Saturday nights, the pitcher is good for you. You’re about as fun as a sack of wet socks, so you really can’t handle the bowl.
If you are the type of person who enjoys adult language, sexuality, drug use, some nudity and adult themes in your entertainment, then bring out your bowl, baby.
Now that we’ve separated the cool kids from the one-foot-in-the-grave kids, let’s proceed with the happy-making.
In your big punch bowl (because let’s face it – Hangry Chicks readers are bowl people), toss a few handfuls of ice. Now pour, in slo-mo, the wine over the ice. To balance your chakras, include meditative music with this step like I did.
Then, pour the lemon-lime seltzer water into the bowl at regular speed.
Next, bring out your mango and mint. Chop both up and use your handy-dandy hand mixer to liquefy it. The fresher your ingredients, the better the drink. If you’re stuck on an iceberg in the Antarctic and only have canned mango juice available, then go ahead and use the juice in lieu of the real deal. To the rest of you, no excuses: Go get fresh mint and mango, and do this the right way.
Carefully add that mixture into the bowl. Or carelessly dump it in the bowl like I did, and enjoy a back-splash of red wine all over your favorite t-shirt, which is now ruined for life.
You’re in the home stretch. Time to cut the citrus fruit. Chop the grapefruit in half and squeeze – with all your might – the juice of one half into the bowl. Again, if you’re in the Antarctic or a lazy short-cutter, you can substitute the real fruit with half a cup of grapefruit juice. Just remember: Your mother and father didn’t raise an underachiever.
Now we’re ready for our final ingredients! Grab your lime, waterproof Band-aids and Neosporin. Begin cutting the lime into thin slices. If you’re like me, you have the knife cutting skills of a newborn infant. So when you cut stuff, 99.9% of the time you also cut yourself. No worries! We’re already at the part where we just cut our finger instead of the lime. D’oh! So the time has come to administer first aid, Kid Friendly style.
After blotting the gash on your finger with a paper towel, apply Neosporin to avoid infection. Affix the waterproof Band-aid quickly because that blood really doesn’t want to stop, does it? Because we’re cool kids who know how to have fun with a flesh wound, we’re going to dress up our finger properly for our Kid Friendly toast.
There. Nailed it. Okay, now toss – GENTLY (remember the t-shirt we just ruined) – the limes into the bowl. Finally, it’s time to add the gamification ingredient: the cherries. When you were a kid, you know how you played that little Halloween game called “bobbing for apples”? Well, now that you’re a big kid, you’re going to learn how to play the game “bobbing for cherries.” Hog tie your hands behind your back as you did with the apple-bobbing game. Then go for it! Fish those cherries out with your face!
What? What’s the problem? The cherries sank to the bottom of the bowl? Hmm, you don’t say. Gee, Friend, when did your inner underachiever take the reins of your life? It’s not like we added boric acid to the Kid Friendly* Sangria, so what’s your problem? Afraid the sangria will stain your face like it stained my favorite t-shirt? You know what? Fine. Then go get the goddamn pitcher. Apparently your brand of ‘fun’ doesn’t include the bobbing for cherries. My condolences, Pitcher Pal.
I mean, hey! No judgment! Cherry bobbing isn’t for everyone. But drink décor sure-as-heck is! After you pour yourself a glass of this Kid Friendly* Sangria, grab these supplies from your scrapbooking box:
- Sliver pipe cleaner
- Colorful paper
- Clear Tape
- The left-over penis straws from your sister’s bachelorette party
Snip, cut, twist, stick and voila! The appropriate accoutrement has been added to your Kid Friendly* Sangria!
Time to raise your glasses with me. I’d like to say a toast to my talented, amazing, tenacious sister and her equally awesome cast and crew members of the web series called Kid Friendly*:
CONGRATULATIONS on Kid Friendly*’s recognition as official selections in the Miami Web Fest *and* the Independent Television and Film Festival. All of you poured your hearts, time, energy, gifts and passion into the creation of Kid Friendly*, and it shows. Where words fail to express my excitement for all of you, Kid Friendly* Sangria succeeds. Cheers to following your dreams and honoring your talent with this accomplishment! I’m overjoyed for you! And if Trick Candle ever needs another roadie, you know how to reach me.
If you haven’t seen Kid Friendly*, check out the first episode and music video by visiting KidFriendlyShow.com!