Dear Hangry Chicks –
Last week, I met the man that I know I’m going to marry. He smells like Old Spice, he doesn’t have a tattoo of the Keebler Elves on the back of his neck like my ex, and he even has an executive membership at Costco. Total package!
I met Otto at the Golden Corral in front of the condiments, and his very first words to me were, “How do I get a Mountain Dew around here?” It was funny because he thought I worked there. It must have been my khaki chinos! After we laughed uncomfortably at his mistake, his next words to me were, “I fucking hate mayo. It looks like puss.”
From that moment, we were inseparable. We started talking shortly after the lunch buffet opened, and we didn’t stop until last call for the dinner buffet. It was magical.
Here’s my dilemma. We have already been on two dates, tomorrow is our next date, and I think you know about the three-date rule. That’s right – dinner with Mom and Dad.
I come from a Midwestern, Catholic family and since I was a kid, I cannot recall a meal that didn’t include mayonnaise. The only salad we ever eat includes mayo – potato, tuna, egg and chicken salads. Coleslaw. Deviled eggs are at every special occasion. Our French fries, hamburgers and braunschweiger are always slathered with mayo. Each morning, omelets are topped with Tobasco and, of course, mayo. Since 2000, my dad has been buying me stock in Unilever each Christmas. Not making the connection? That was the year Unilever bought Hellman’s. Honestly, I’m surprised my parents didn’t name me Mayo.
So how can I bring Otto to my parents’ home? He’ll look at my mom’s meal and see a pussy nightmare! I’m freaking out. I don’t want to lose Otto over mayo – he’s perfect third-husband material. I know your expertise is keeping hanger in check, but do you have any recipes that will keep my mom’s mayo in check?
Hold the mayo,
I must say, among all of the fan mail we have received over the years, this is the first time we have seen the phrase ‘pussy nightmare’. Great name for a band. Granted, yours is the first letter that we have received, but that’s neither here nor there.
Otto sounds like quite the catch, Tammy. Because Hangry Chicks are romantics at heart, we’re going to help you out with a healthy solution. And we’re going to refrain from judging your taste in restaurants and men. We love. We don’t judge.
We get the Catholic Caucasian fascination with mayo in the Heartland. We lived this life, too. But as we got older, wiser and healthier, we became aware of mayo’s more sinister qualities. You’ll find them on the nutrition label:
INGREDIENTS OF HELLMAN’S “REAL” MAYO: SOYBEAN OIL, WATER, WHOLE EGGS AND EGG YOLKS, VINEGAR, SALT, SUGAR, LEMON JUICE, CALCIUM DISODIUM EDTA (USED TO PROTECT QUALITY OF MAYO AND POISON YOUR BODY), NATURAL FLAVORS (WHICH IS AN OXYMORONIC TERM FOR NATURALLY DERIVED CHEMICALS CREATED IN A LAB. DOES A BODY GOOD?)
Come on now. You’re better than these ingredients, Tammy. Lose the sugar, the preservatives, the Otto—I mean, the ‘natural’ flavor. Your body doesn’t need that garbage. Help Mom put down the Hellman’s and replace it with the freshest, healthiest, tastiest, non-grossiest mayo on this side of the Milky Way. It’s also so easy to make that your dog could do it. My girl Schnitzel will demonstrate. And just check out the purity of our ingredients:
INGREDIENTS OF HANGRY CHICKS MAYO: OLIVE OIL, EGG, APPLE CIDER VINEGAR, FRESH HERBS.
It’s understandable why so many people recoil at the site of mayo. Not only is Otto’s description of its aesthetic qualities fairly accurate, but it’s definitely an acquired taste. You have to grow up with this goop in order to develop a fondness for it.
Hangry Chicks Mayo is changing all of that. You no longer have to invest years of your youth learning how to ingest and like mayonnaise. It’s so light, bright, fresh and flavorful that you’ll forget it’s mayo. Get ready to have your mind blown to smithereens.
- One large egg (not pasteurized)
- 1 cup avocado oil (vegetable oil works, too)
- 2 Tablespoons Apple Cider Vinegar (or real lemon or lime juice)
- A Tablespoon or two of fresh (not dried) herbs of your choice: rosemary, dill, basil, cilantro, garlic, or jalapeño – there’s no limit to the spice combinations you can use
- Optional: a dash of salt and/or pepper
Dump all of the ingredients in a large glass or cup.
Now you or your dog just need to use a hand-mixer to blend all of the ingredients for about 30-60 seconds.
That’s it! If it’s too thin, keep blending it until you get it to the desired texture.
Taste it. That’s not your mama’s Hellman’s is it, Tammy? Is it?!
I like to make the texture a little thinner by adding some more oil and a touch more apple cider vinegar and drizzle it on baked salmon or a roasted vegetable salad. It’s a great, healthy substitute for hollandaise sauce on eggs benedict. Our mayo is definitely more versatile than the jarred junk.
But I’m so vain. I probably think this recipe is about me. It’s not. It’s about Tammy, Tammy’s mom and Otto. (Not exactly how I understood the ‘three-date rule’.)
You still with me, Tammy? Teach your mom how to make this recipe. Right now. The happiness of you and your future third husband depends on it. And do NOT call it mayo in front of Otto. Just between us chicks, this is a recipe for ‘white gravy.’ Something tells me Otto likes gravy.